i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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