i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
