He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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