I met the friendliest cop last night
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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