So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
