So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
