I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
