I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
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I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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