The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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