five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
