Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
