I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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