Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
