With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
