do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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