My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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