all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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