The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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