i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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