i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
