you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
