A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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