Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i think i just lost a toe
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
