You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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