before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
