I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
