I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
