I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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