I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
