Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.