SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
