he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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