my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
