my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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