i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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