just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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