Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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