So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
