I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
