someone threw a dead crab at me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
