Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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