Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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