Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
