just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
