Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
