Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Bring me that man meat
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Text me some of your sweat
I yelled at your uterus for you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
