2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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