drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
