Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
