Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
