she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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