she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
