dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
