dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
