Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
the condom got lost in my hair
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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