you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
