You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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