can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
