You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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