Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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