he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
